Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 8/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there."

"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

64

"I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing."

"I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

64

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us."

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

Mistake, Babies

64

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

George Carlin, American Comedian

64

"I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter."

"I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

64

"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."

"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

64

"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."

"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

Eating, Television

64

"We want to get people laughing; we don't want to offend anybody."

"We want to get people laughing; we don't want to offend anybody."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

64

"Then my uncle would give off the smell of freshly baked bread which I love."

"Then my uncle would give off the smell of freshly baked bread which I love."

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

64

"And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it."

"And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

64

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

64

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

People, Killing, Smoking

64

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Disease, Now, Sin

64

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

64

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

64

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

64

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

George Burns, American Comedian

64

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

64

"Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on."

"Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

64

"What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh."

"What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh."

Bruce Vilanch, American Comedian

64

"Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!""

"Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!""

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Nature, Saying, Spring

64

"In France, everyone speaks French 'cause they think it's cool. Gives 'em, gives 'em an excuse to smoke."

"In France, everyone speaks French 'cause they think it's cool. Gives 'em, gives 'em an excuse to smoke."

Scott Thompson, Canadian Comedian

64

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Birthday, Wife, Man, Respect

64

"I was totally involved in Bobby's World from the time we started the idea to sitting with the artists on how he would look, to the script meetings, the music, the lyrics, the songs."

"I was totally involved in Bobby's World from the time we started the idea to sitting with the artists on how he would look, to the script meetings, the music, the lyrics, the songs."

Howie Mandel, Canadian Comedian

Time, Music, Idea, Artists

64

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Friendship, Friend, Man

64

"Just because someone's dead doesn't mean it's over. My grandfather died more than 25 years ago, but I still think of him a lot and smell his smell."

"Just because someone's dead doesn't mean it's over. My grandfather died more than 25 years ago, but I still think of him a lot and smell his smell."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

64

"You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious."

"You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious."

Rodney Carrington, American Comedian

63

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours."

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours."

David Letterman, American Comedian

63

"The cliches are that it's the most generic Starsky and Hutch plot you can find."

"The cliches are that it's the most generic Starsky and Hutch plot you can find."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

63

"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."

"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Apology, Future, Now, Secrets

63

"That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it."

"That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

63

"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."

"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

63

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

George Carlin, American Comedian

63

"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up."

"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Crime, Day, Liberty

63

"I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering."

"I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Woman, Women, Dream, American, Girls

63

"I only direct in self-defense."

"I only direct in self-defense."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

63

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

63

"The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17."

"The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

Time, First, Summer

63

"My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry."

"My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Family, Work, Job, Poverty

63

"While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun."

"While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Fun, May, Smile, Will

63

"My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly."

"My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Faces, Sisters, Ugly

63

"The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."

"The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Global warming, Radical, Right

63

"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."

"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Connection, Language, Laughter

63

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

63

"I want to do something where I play Judi Dench's younger sister or daughter."

"I want to do something where I play Judi Dench's younger sister or daughter."

Dawn French, British Comedian

Sister, Daughter, Play, Want

63

"I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit."

"I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

Love, Truth, Laughter, Spirit

63

"I quit smoking well over twenty years ago."

"I quit smoking well over twenty years ago."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

63

"Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments."

"Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

63

"Out of 30 years of Second City I was probably the third African-American with the main stage cast. I was surprised when I first heard that. I think part of the reason that improvisation has never been popular with African-Americans is that it isn't popular in the inner cities."

"Out of 30 years of Second City I was probably the third African-American with the main stage cast. I was surprised when I first heard that. I think part of the reason that improvisation has never been popular with African-Americans is that it isn't popular in the inner cities."

Tim Meadows, American Comedian

African, Cities, First, Popular

63

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

George Carlin, American Comedian

63

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