Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 8/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"Greetings and death to our enemies."

"Greetings and death to our enemies."

Dan Aykroyd, Canadian Comedian

Death, Enemies, Greetings

7

"Your face makes my soul want to eat chocolate pudding!"

"Your face makes my soul want to eat chocolate pudding!"

Andy Milonakis, American Comedian

7

"The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up."

"The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Iraq, Support, Today

7

"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."

"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."

Jack Benny, American Comedian

7

"A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me."

"A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

7

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Friendship, Friend, Man

7

"Actually, I didn't like Dartmouth very much, but the whole theater scene I really liked."

"Actually, I didn't like Dartmouth very much, but the whole theater scene I really liked."

Rachel Dratch, American Comedian

Theatre, Theater

7

"Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable."

"Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Comedy, Realism

7

"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."

"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

7

"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back."

"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

College, Day, Law

6

"I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself."

"I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself."

Dane Cook, American Comedian

6

"Well, I would definitely give up performing... But I would still sit down in an office and pretend to write with Dawn, even if we never produced anything, because it's just hilarious. I would miss that."

"Well, I would definitely give up performing... But I would still sit down in an office and pretend to write with Dawn, even if we never produced anything, because it's just hilarious. I would miss that."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

6

"It's such a pleasure to work in these movies, it's almost like it's not really happening."

"It's such a pleasure to work in these movies, it's almost like it's not really happening."

Fred Willard, American Comedian

Work, Movies, Pleasure

6

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Boyfriend, Want

6

"In rare instances you have to give up what you thought was a great scene."

"In rare instances you have to give up what you thought was a great scene."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

6

"It was my father who taught me to value myself. He told me that I was uncommonly beautiful and that I was the most precious thing in his life."

"It was my father who taught me to value myself. He told me that I was uncommonly beautiful and that I was the most precious thing in his life."

Dawn French, British Comedian

Life, Father, Value

6

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Work, Mortality, Pretty

6

"Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window."

"Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Marriage, Medical, People, Gay

6

"I've been extremely lucky having been in the army when I was a boy of fourteen."

"I've been extremely lucky having been in the army when I was a boy of fourteen."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

6

"I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points."

"I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

6

"An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be."

"An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Apology, Dignity, Gentleman, Wrong

6

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself."

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

6

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours."

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours."

David Letterman, American Comedian

6

"Suddenly you're like a pirate, you're 65 years old and you've got an earring."

"Suddenly you're like a pirate, you're 65 years old and you've got an earring."

Fred Willard, American Comedian

6

"I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm."

"I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm."

Jay London, American Comedian

6

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

6

"Admitting Error clears the Score, And proves you Wiser than before."

"Admitting Error clears the Score, And proves you Wiser than before."

Arthur Guiterman, American Comedian

6

"Our shows today are better and funnier than they've ever been."

"Our shows today are better and funnier than they've ever been."

Dick Smothers, American Comedian

6

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Fun, Machine, Want, Will

6

"Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female."

"Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

6

"I don't know nothing about communism. But I know the Albanians loved me. Same reason as anyone else loves me. Because I made them laugh."

"I don't know nothing about communism. But I know the Albanians loved me. Same reason as anyone else loves me. Because I made them laugh."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Communism, Nothing, Reason

6

"I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have."

"I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have."

Rodney Carrington, American Comedian

Beer, Job, Want

6

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

People, Drugs, Reality

6

"People are still crazy about Python after twenty-five years, which I find hard to believe."

"People are still crazy about Python after twenty-five years, which I find hard to believe."

Michael Palin, British Comedian

6

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

Time, Christmas, Mail, Office

6

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Marriage, Politics

6

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

6

"I think my wife saw a picture of the rock group Journey, and they're kind of aging, and the one guy had dyed blonde hair with black roots, and... my idea was to get a little earring, I wanted to have a dangling earring."

"I think my wife saw a picture of the rock group Journey, and they're kind of aging, and the one guy had dyed blonde hair with black roots, and... my idea was to get a little earring, I wanted to have a dangling earring."

Fred Willard, American Comedian

Wife, Idea, Hair, Journey

6

"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children."

"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Travel, America, Children, Class

6

"Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before."

"Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Mother, Day, Taste, Turkeys

6

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

George Burns, American Comedian

6

"I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do."

"I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do."

Martin Lawrence, American Comedian

God, Life, Opportunity, Vision

6

"I'm here today because I hated everything else."

"I'm here today because I hated everything else."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

6

"We have been so pleased with the response to our unique schools in the Nashville area, and we are confident that other areas will embrace our concept, as well."

"We have been so pleased with the response to our unique schools in the Nashville area, and we are confident that other areas will embrace our concept, as well."

Scott Thompson, Canadian Comedian

School, Schools, Will

6

"It's really live television, the way God meant it to be."

"It's really live television, the way God meant it to be."

Bruce Vilanch, American Comedian

God, Television

6

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Men, Time, God, Blood

6

"I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping."

"I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping."

Red Buttons, American Comedian

6

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'"

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'"

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Children, Man, Want

6

"Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet."

"Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Internet, Now, Want

6

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

6

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