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Quotes by Comedian
"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."
53
"The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves."
53
"I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography."
53
"Someone I've always admired is Catherine O'Hara... I think she's one of the best actresses in the country, not only comedy. I just think she's just a step aside from everybody, she's just wonderful."
53
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
53
"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."
53
"Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason."
53
"Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye."
53
"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."
Diet,
53
"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
53
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
53
"My first public impression was my French teacher, Derek Swift."
53
"I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again."
53
"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."
53
"I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy."
53
"It makes you more open, it gives you perspective, having a child."
53
"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
53
"I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging."
53
"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."
53
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
53
"A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn't make sense."
53
"A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better."
53
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."
53
"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area."
52
"It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money."
52
"Anything that was perverse and silly would be Kids in the Hall."
52
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