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"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
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"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

Old,
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21
"If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."
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"If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."

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"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood."
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"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood."

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"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
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"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

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15
"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued."
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"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued."

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"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
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"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

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"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."
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"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."

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"She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction."
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"She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction."

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"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."
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"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."

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27
"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money."
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"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money."

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"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."
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"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."

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"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"
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"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"

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11
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap."
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"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap."

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"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it."
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"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it."

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"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."
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"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."

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"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
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"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

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"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."
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"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."

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"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast."
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"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast."

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"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there."
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"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there."

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"I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!"
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"I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!"

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"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
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"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

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"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."
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"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."

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"I have too much money invested in sweaters."
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"I have too much money invested in sweaters."

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"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."
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"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."

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22
"The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off."
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"The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off."

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"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness."
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"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness."

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"The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup."
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"The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup."

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"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."
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"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."

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"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
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"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

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