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"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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Personal Development
"I hate fishing, and I can't imagine why anyone would want to hike when you can get in the car and drive."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I sing in the car if I'm in LA, because you're like soundproofed."
Author Name
Personal Development
"One morning, about four o'clock, I was driving my car just about as fast as I could. I thought, Why am I out this time of night? I was miserable, and it came to me: I'm falling in love with somebody I have no right to fall in love with."
Author Name
Personal Development
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I will never have a drink and get behind the wheel of a car. It's not illegal to drink and drive, but there becomes a certain point where it does become a crime."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."
Author Name
Personal Development
"One of my biggest problems this season was with the clutch at the start of the race. I hate to risk the car."
Author Name
Personal Development
"We had the guys from X Men 2 do the cameras. They had a 360 camera that would go from one car, up in the air and over to another car in a continuous shot while the film was still rolling, going 90 mph."
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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
Now
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
Purpose
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
Power
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
Argument
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"
Rest
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
Press
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
Washington
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
Ocean
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes.""
Girlfriend
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