"Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned."

"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink."

"I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home."

"Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live."

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."

"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."

"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes."

"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."

"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."

"There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation."

"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."

"I never vote for anyone. I always vote against."

"Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life."

"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive."

"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

"I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

"Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil."

"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves."

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."

"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."

"There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it."

"Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again."

"I like children - fried."

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree."

"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart."

"Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it."

"Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?"

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

"If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind."

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

"It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."

"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream."

"I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming."

"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive."

"Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia."

"Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against."

"You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it."

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."

"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."