"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

"I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?"

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

"We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight."

"Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name."

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

"The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring."

"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."

"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."

"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient."