"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."

"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."

"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"

"When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'"

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."

"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour."

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."

"I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone."

"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman."

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me."

"When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel."

"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic?"

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research."

"I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost."

"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."

"Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'"

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"

"I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."

"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."

"What a nice night for an evening."

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator."

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."