"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."

"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."

"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"

"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"

"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."

"What a nice night for an evening."

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"

"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator."

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

"Hermits have no peer pressure."

"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."

"How young can you die of old age?"

"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar.""

"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."