"With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!"

"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend."

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me."

"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."

"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive."

"I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it."

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."

"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."

"My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock."

"Life is just a bowl of pits."

"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

"A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

"Men who do things without being told draw the most wages."

"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."

"I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot."

"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."

"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."

"Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself."

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."