"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

"Life is tough, then you die."

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

"Fuck rational thought."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

"Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind."

"If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea."

"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."

"I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."

"People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them."

"I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy."

"I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think."

"When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent."

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."

"I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide."

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."

"I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is."

"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."

"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."

"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet."

"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them."

"On school uniforms Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German."

"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."