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Quotes by Comedian
"People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway."
127
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
122
"I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from a joke."
End,
108
"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on."
99
"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
76
"Everybody wants to eat at the government's table, but nobody wants to do the dishes."
75
"One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough."
74
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
Fun,
71
"Being a lawyer in New York sucks because you're working eighty, sometimes a hundred hours a week."
69
"Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us."
60
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
58
"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough."
58
"Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long."
55
"Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter."
50
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
50
"If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret."
49
"Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?"
49
"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious."
48
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
48
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
47
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
46
"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins."
45
"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead."
44
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
43
"I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content."
43
"My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian."
42
"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."
41
"Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes."
40
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