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Quotes by Comedian
"Everybody wants to eat at the government's table, but nobody wants to do the dishes."
194
"People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway."
189
"Being a lawyer in New York sucks because you're working eighty, sometimes a hundred hours a week."
177
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
168
"I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from a joke."
End,
146
"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on."
140
"Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long."
139
"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
130
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
124
"I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content."
122
"One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough."
121
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
Fun,
121
"I was familiar with that and 'Rio Bravo.' 'Rio Bravo' was what John Carpenter did, that brilliant move of taking a western and turning it into an urban flick. And from there you got, you know, all the cop genre movies of the time."
113
"Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us."
107
"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious."
106
"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough."
104
"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead."
93
"Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again."
90
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
90
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
90
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
83
"Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter."
82
"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend."
80
"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."
79
"If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret."
79
"Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?"
79
"A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know."
77
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
77
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
76
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
76
"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."
75
"My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian."
75
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