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Quotes by Comedian
"People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway."
105
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
104
"I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from a joke."
End,
100
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
Fun,
57
"Everybody wants to eat at the government's table, but nobody wants to do the dishes."
56
"Being a lawyer in New York sucks because you're working eighty, sometimes a hundred hours a week."
54
"Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us."
50
"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
47
"Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long."
45
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
45
"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough."
41
"Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?"
39
"If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret."
38
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
35
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
35
"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious."
35
"I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content."
35
"Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes."
34
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
34
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
33
"Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid."
32
"I think people feel starved of nice, glamorous entertainment. They want to see costumes and gaiety and a singer; old-fashioned entertainment - it won't die easily."
32
"I was familiar with that and 'Rio Bravo.' 'Rio Bravo' was what John Carpenter did, that brilliant move of taking a western and turning it into an urban flick. And from there you got, you know, all the cop genre movies of the time."
31
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
30
"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
30
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
30
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
30
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
29
"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time."
29
"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins."
29
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
29
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