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"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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"Paul Simon started piling up a lot of words, more than the bar could handle, and I stopped!"
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Personal Development

"Yes and, you know, I can't use the nice words anymore because I used to chicken out by using them. I used to call myself plus size, used to call myself chubby. I used to call myself overweight."
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Personal Development

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
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Personal Development

"I say there're no depressed words just depressed minds."
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Personal Development

"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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Personal Development

"I consider the process of gestation just as important as when you're actually sitting down putting words to the paper."
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Personal Development

"I consider looseness with words no less of a defect than looseness of the bowels."
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"It's only words... unless they're true."
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Personal Development

"We printed all the words out because otherwise nobody would be able to understand them."
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"Maverick is a word which appeals to me more than misfit. Maverick is active, misfit is passive."
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Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
Tennis

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
People

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."
Love

"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."
Work

"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
Word

"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."
Soccer

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."
Time

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
Gambling

"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."
People

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
Time
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