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"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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"Words are cheap. The biggest thing you can say is 'elephant'."
"Once they're on paper, they're gone. I like to do as much with the words, as far as image goes."
"I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless."
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"I consider looseness with words no less of a defect than looseness of the bowels."
"I won't mention the word tired. This is the 20th century and I can go around a little faster."
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Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg
"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
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