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"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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Exlpore more Word quotes
"I consider looseness with words no less of a defect than looseness of the bowels."
"Words really flattering are not those which we prepare but those which escape us unthinkingly."
"I won't mention the word tired. This is the 20th century and I can go around a little faster."
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"The world's most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife."
"A million words were going through my head and honestly I didn't say one of them. I wanted to let it sit, simmer, you know I wanted to soak it all in - the moment was amazing."
"If you say a word against a 'sensitive' person, it will have an immediate effect. In reality, words are simply a 'record' playing."
Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."
"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."
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