"Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason."

"I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out."

"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"

"We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."

"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."

"Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!""

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks."

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."

"I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice."

"The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery."

"What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."

"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."

"When in doubt, go for the dick joke."

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus."

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

"Comedy is acting out optimism."

"Cricket is basically baseball on valium."

"When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'"

"We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."