"New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi."

"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence."

"I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book."

"Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us...they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you're not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you're coughing up freedom!"

"Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?"

"Isn't it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or cultural practice? Is there no line to be drawn? If honor killings are okay, then why not virgin sacrifices or cannibalism or sex with children outside the church? We have perversely taken our notion of tolerance to such extremes that we've become tolerant of intolerance."

"Men are only as loyal as their options."

"This is the opposite of the free market."

"You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery."

"New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed."

"The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap."

"NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a 'watch what you say' administration...George W. Bush once asked, 'is our children learning.' No, they isn't. A better question would be, 'is our teacher's teaching?"

"New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating."

"We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities."

"I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed."

"Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need."

"It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous amounts for unnecessary crap like gourmet coffee and soap to make your crotch smell good. Two dollars a gallon to go ten miles is too much, but five to the parking valet to go ten feet is okay."

"We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies."

"That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie."

"New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship."

"Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable."

"I'm always amazed at the human capacity to not make fundamental changes, but instead merely adapt. I see these pictures of people in Beijing and New Delhi, walking around with masks on, because you can't walk outside your house and breathe? If you can't breathe? If that's not the cue to make a fundamental change, I don't know what is!"

"New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. 'At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.' Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby."

"To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity."

"I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?"

"We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists."

"We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected."

"Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show."

"Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool."

"We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism, it means telling unlike things apart."

"The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people."

"We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home."

"Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it."

"This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution."

"I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder."

"America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent."

"True patriotism is doing something for your country."

"Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious."

"Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers."

"If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest."

"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'"

"Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is."

"Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that."

"Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?"

"To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that."

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

"If you think you have it tough, read history books."

"If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child."

"I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again."

"Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?"