Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 6/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."

"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

8

"Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness."

"Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Anger, Fear, Awareness

8

"You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education."

"You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

8

"I never do any television without chocolate. That's my motto and I live by it. Quite often I write the scripts and I make sure there are chocolate scenes. Actually I'm a bit of a chocolate tart and will eat anything. It's amazing I'm so slim."

"I never do any television without chocolate. That's my motto and I live by it. Quite often I write the scripts and I make sure there are chocolate scenes. Actually I'm a bit of a chocolate tart and will eat anything. It's amazing I'm so slim."

Dawn French, British Comedian

Television, Will

8

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

8

"With two small children, I haven't had a wash since 2001 so the chance to go shopping is way down the list. It is something I do intend to get."

"With two small children, I haven't had a wash since 2001 so the chance to go shopping is way down the list. It is something I do intend to get."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

Chance, Children

8

"I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written."

"I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written."

Dana Carvey, American Comedian

8

"What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."

"What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

8

"I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?"

"I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?"

Milton Berle, American Comedian

8

"People have always said, are you gay? I've had a lot of that. But it's just not in me. I really like women a lot; I'm repulsed by men sexually."

"People have always said, are you gay? I've had a lot of that. But it's just not in me. I really like women a lot; I'm repulsed by men sexually."

Russell Brand, English Comedian

Men, Women, People, Gay

8

"It's not communism, it's shouldn't be that everybody gets a try no matter how good or bad they are. It's our profession and our art, so we should eventually strive to be working with the best people."

"It's not communism, it's shouldn't be that everybody gets a try no matter how good or bad they are. It's our profession and our art, so we should eventually strive to be working with the best people."

Amy Poehler, American Comedian

Art, People, Communism, Profession

8

"I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic."

"I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Humor, Literary, Teaching, Writing

8

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Birthday, Wife, Man, Respect

8

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

George Carlin, American Comedian

8

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

Men, Ladies, Pain

8

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

8

"I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny."

"I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

Family, Funny, Home, Class

8

"That was one of the things that interested me about the character. He doesn't want to be a hero, and has no real desire to save the earth or discover aliens. He's sniffing around looking to see what will fall in his lap."

"That was one of the things that interested me about the character. He doesn't want to be a hero, and has no real desire to save the earth or discover aliens. He's sniffing around looking to see what will fall in his lap."

Orlando Jones, American Comedian

Character, Desire, Earth, Want

8

"Such is life and life is such and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse."

"Such is life and life is such and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

8

"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."

"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Death, Life, Hope, Disgrace

7

"I'm definitely not up-to-date on the high-tech videogame world."

"I'm definitely not up-to-date on the high-tech videogame world."

Rachel Dratch, American Comedian

7

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

George Burns, American Comedian

Honesty, Acting

7

"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient."

"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

Disgrace, Poverty

7

"I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny."

"I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny."

Jerry Stiller, American Comedian

Funny, Judgment

7

"If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck."

"If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

7

"The only real happiness a ballplayer has is when he is playing a ball game and accomplishes something he didn't think he could do."

"The only real happiness a ballplayer has is when he is playing a ball game and accomplishes something he didn't think he could do."

Ring Lardner, American Comedian

7

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

7

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

A. Whitney Brown, American Comedian

7

"Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner."

"Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Hope, Divorce, Today

7

"If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid."

"If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid."

Eddie Izzard, British Comedian

7

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

7

"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."

"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

7

"Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works."

"Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works."

Lea DeLaria, American Comedian

7

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Time, People, Night

7

"When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain."

"When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Country, Countries, Rest, Spain, Want

7

"The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool."

"The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool."

Jane Wagner, American Comedian

Survival, Ability, May

7

"He who hesitates is poor."

"He who hesitates is poor."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

7

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

7

"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never."

"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never."

Jack Benny, American Comedian

Wife, Argument, Divorce, Murder

7

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

7

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Fight, Nothing, Ugly

7

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

7

"I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this."

"I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Marriage, Work, Life, Divorce

7

"Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light."

"Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light."

Damon Wayans, American Comedian

Light, Struggle

7

"Honestly, I feel like I am a leading man, and it's just going to take the right project, the female and the right studio. It's got to all gel together, you know what I mean?"

"Honestly, I feel like I am a leading man, and it's just going to take the right project, the female and the right studio. It's got to all gel together, you know what I mean?"

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Leadership, Leading, Man, Project, Right

7

"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Daughter, Baby, Order, Wives

7

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?""

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?""

Jay Leno, American Comedian

7

"While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously."

"While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously."

Tim Allen, American Comedian

7

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

George Carlin, American Comedian

7

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

7

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