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Quotes by Comedian
"My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings."
57
"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."
56
"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."
56
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
56
"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."
56
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
56
"What I always say is that we're the illegitimate children of Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lewis."
56
"I've always had a sense of humour, and I still do, so I just want to go on performing as long as I can. It's as simple as that."
56
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
56
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
56
"Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric!"
56
"I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written."
56
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."
56
"Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea."
56
"In France, everyone speaks French 'cause they think it's cool. Gives 'em, gives 'em an excuse to smoke."
56
"The joke newspaper, it says Canada abandons the monarchy."
56
"I think we have all experienced passion that is not in any sense reasonable."
56
"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
55
"The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, so you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see."
55
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
55
"If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them."
55
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
55
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all."
55
"Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on."
55
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
55
"What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."
55
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