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Quotes by Comedian
"I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious."
68
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
68
"The joke newspaper, it says Canada abandons the monarchy."
68
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
68
"A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better."
68
"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."
68
"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
67
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."
67
"They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses."
Day,
67
"One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing."
67
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
67
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
67
"My first public impression was my French teacher, Derek Swift."
67
"I don't talk like House, or walk like him. I certainly don't think like him. I don't like to think for more than 15 minutes at a stretch actually; I am a fragile flower."
Talk,
67
"What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."
67
"I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important."
67
"We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."
67
"It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others."
67
"I think we have all experienced passion that is not in any sense reasonable."
67
"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."
67
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
66
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
66
"If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them."
66
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
66
"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess."
66
"I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again."
66
"I've always had a sense of humour, and I still do, so I just want to go on performing as long as I can. It's as simple as that."
66
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
66
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