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"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
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"I met my wife by breaking two of my rules: never date a girl seriously that you meet at a nightclub and never date a fan."
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"He asked why and I said, 'Because Gwyneth has a fat suit, my wife has a fat suit - I don't get a fat suit?' He looked at me and said, 'You mean you don't have one on?'"
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"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."
Explore more quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
"Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself."
"Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about."
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home."
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