"I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods."

"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."

"I know God is real."

"It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old."

"There's no down time any more."

"People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school."

"I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family."

"Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on."

"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."

"I really don't require a whole lot in life."

"Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip."

"You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education."

"I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away."

"Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it."

"Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work."

"It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time."

"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"

"What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do."

"My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this."

"Nothing in life prepares you to be famous."

"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."

"If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck."

"If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck."

"I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie."

"My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family."

"Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling."

"I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did."

"Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?"

"The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more."

"Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist."

"The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him."

"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."

"You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it."

"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately."

"For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors."

"The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house."

"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"

"If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck."

"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."

"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more."

"If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck."

"I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument."