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Tommy Cooper

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

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Akshay Vasu

"There are the further difficulties of building a population out of a diversity of races, each at a different stage of cultural evolution, some in need of restraint, many in need of protection; everywhere a bewildering Babel of tongues."

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Akshay Vasu

"Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe."

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Akshay Vasu

"The Department of Justice transcends party because we're building on the Weed and Seed program."

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Akshay Vasu

"I won a scholarship with the Brixton School of Building. I screwed around, not putting in a proper attendance."

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Akshay Vasu

"A building has integrity just like a man. And just as seldom."

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Akshay Vasu

"Traveling is the ruin of all happiness! There's no looking at a building after seeing Italy."

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Akshay Vasu

"We have to realize we are building a movement."

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Akshay Vasu

"I collect clothes - they keep building and building. I buy them instead of having them washed."

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Akshay Vasu

"Even at the United Nations, where legend has it that the building was designed so that there could be no corner offices, the expanse of glass in individual offices is said to be a dead giveaway as to rank. Five windows are excellent, one window not so great."

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Akshay Vasu

"All alone in a committee room of the Senate Office Building in Washington, I was reading the dry typewritten pages in an unpublished report of an almost forgotten congressional committee hearing."

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Tommy Cooper
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

Blind

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Tommy Cooper
"I went window shopping today! I bought four windows."

Windows

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Tommy Cooper
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

Car

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Tommy Cooper
"So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

Thought

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Tommy Cooper
"Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!"

Marriage

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Tommy Cooper
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

Building

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Tommy Cooper
"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone."

Night

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Tommy Cooper
"I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"

Kitchen

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Tommy Cooper
"A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'"

Age

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Tommy Cooper
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

Driving

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