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"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
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"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

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22
"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."
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"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."

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"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
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"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."

Age,
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"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money."
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"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money."

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"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."
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"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

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17
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
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"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

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29
"I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate."
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"I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate."

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20
"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
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"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

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34
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

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21
"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."
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"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

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20
"If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it."
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"If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it."

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26
"At my age flowers scare me."
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"At my age flowers scare me."

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"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked."
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"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked."

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24
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."
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"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."

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23
"Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair."
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"Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair."

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"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."
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"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

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"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."
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"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."

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21
"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
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"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

Sex,
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"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
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"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

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"Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life."
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"Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life."

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"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
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"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

Sex,
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"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."
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"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."

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"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
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"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

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23
"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."
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"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."

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22
"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate."
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"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate."

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"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
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"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

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"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
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"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

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27
"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."
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"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."

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23
"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
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"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

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26
"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."
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"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."

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"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
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"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

Sea,
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"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
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"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."

Age,
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"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
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"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

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"Be quick to learn and wise to know."
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"Be quick to learn and wise to know."

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