"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."

"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook."

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."

"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."

"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths."

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"Humor is reason gone mad."