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Humor Quotes
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity."
64
"I had a terrible vision: I saw an encyclopedia walk up to a polymath and open him up."
55
"Incongruity, they say, is one of the main ingredients of humor. Maybe it's because everybody can feel superior to me. I honestly don't know."
52
"My stories are very somber, so I think I need the comic ingredient. Besides, life has so much humor."
44
"I don't think humor is forced upon my universe; it's a part of it."
41
"I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today."
39
"You can pretend to be serious; but you can't pretend to be witty."
35
"Tony and I had a good on and off screen relationship, we are two very different people, but we did share a sense of humor, we now live in different parts of the world but when we find ourselves in the same place it is more or less as if there had been no years in between."
33
"Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots."
31
"Have a sense of humor about life - you will need it. And be courteous."
27
"What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself."
25
"Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain."
24
"I don't think my sense of humor has changed at all; I was born with this, for better or for worse."
24
"Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors."
23
"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives."
23
"A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling."
23
"The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk."
22
"How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin."
21
"There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you."
21
"Humor can help you cope with the unbearable so that you can stay on the bright side of things until the bright side actually comes along."
21
"Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully."
21
"Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes."
21
"As far as I'm concerned, "whom" is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler."
20
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
20
"The only time to buy these is on a day with no "y" in it."
20
"The three chief virtues of a programmer are: Laziness, Impatience and Hubris."
20
"I also hate those holidays that fall on a Monday where you don't get mail, those fake holidays like Columbus Day. What did Christopher Columbus do, discover America? If he hadn't, somebody else would have and we'd still be here. Big deal."
19
"A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course."
19
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