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Humor Quotes
"I had a terrible vision: I saw an encyclopedia walk up to a polymath and open him up."
212
"I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today."
162
"I don't think humor is forced upon my universe; it's a part of it."
160
"My stories are very somber, so I think I need the comic ingredient. Besides, life has so much humor."
140
"You can pretend to be serious; but you can't pretend to be witty."
124
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity."
117
"Have a sense of humor about life - you will need it. And be courteous."
115
"If time is money and you wasted my time, then give me back my money!"
101
"Incongruity, they say, is one of the main ingredients of humor. Maybe it's because everybody can feel superior to me. I honestly don't know."
97
"I don't think my sense of humor has changed at all; I was born with this, for better or for worse."
83
"(When told that he is a drunk) My dear, you are ugly; but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
82
"Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain."
81
"A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling."
78
"Tony and I had a good on and off screen relationship, we are two very different people, but we did share a sense of humor, we now live in different parts of the world but when we find ourselves in the same place it is more or less as if there had been no years in between."
77
"Kant thought things, not because they were true, but because he was Kant."
75
"As soon as you wink, you close your eyes to reality."
75
"As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked."
72
"Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots."
72
"When we can find some humor in our upsets, they no longer seem as large or as important as they once did."
72
"Humor can help you cope with the unbearable so that you can stay on the bright side of things until the bright side actually comes along."
72
"The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk."
71
"How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin."
71
"I also hate those holidays that fall on a Monday where you don't get mail, those fake holidays like Columbus Day. What did Christopher Columbus do, discover America? If he hadn't, somebody else would have and we'd still be here. Big deal."
71
"What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself."
71
"It is good to brush your teeth when you are angry, because you brush harder and do a better job."
67
"Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes."
67
"Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors."
66
"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
66
"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me."
65
"There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will."
63
"One day President Roosevelt told me that he was asking publicly for suggestions about what the war should be called. I said at once 'The Unnecessary War'."
63
"Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world. So if it is correct to say that humor was stamped out in Nazi Germany, that does not mean that people were not in good spirits, or anything of that sort, but something much deeper and more important."
62
"Don't blame you," said Marvin and counted five hundred and ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a second later."
62
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