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"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
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"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
Gay
"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."
Missionaries
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Work
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
School
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
Father
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
Wife
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Men
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
First
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
Night
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
Love
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"The night creeps in by subtle degrees while a show of fierce colors attracts and distracts me. I look up, suddenly aware of remote lights scattered overhead. I gasp as the last streak of fire dies on the horizon, and I comprehend it all too late. That crafty, dark night has swallowed my world whole."
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Personal Development
"I can find in my undergraduate classes, bright students who do not know that the stars rise and set at night, or even that the Sun is a star."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The night I announced I was getting married, Daddy paced for hours on the porch."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I wasn't really qualified to be on Saturday Night Live - I'm not like an impressionist or anything."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Making sleep happen is a must - anytime, anywhere, from a plane to a train to an automobile. Ideally, I like to get eight to ten hours a night, though I'll take it broken up in two segments if I have to."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The one thing I could do was voices and impersonations and weird characters, and there was really no call for that, except on Saturday Night Live."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I was working at this club in downtown L.A. from four to eight at night, just Eddie Rubin, the drummer, and I."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Yes, beef is what was for dinner last night. Tonight it will be my dinner, and it will continue to be."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Most of those mocking us and our works night after night have not reached the point of suggesting we are going to use those weapons. They are pretty useless right now."
Author Name
Personal Development
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