"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

Night,

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"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

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Explore more quotes by Emo Philips

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

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"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

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"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""

Time

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."

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"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

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"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."

School

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Life

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

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"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"

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"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

People