"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."

"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels."

"Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on."

"Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand."

"Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways."

"What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign."

"What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."

"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R."

"There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it."

"The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country."

"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."

"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away."

"The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board."

"It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity."

"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess."

"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."

"Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time."

"Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?"

"The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens."

"President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which."

"One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech."

"The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."

"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven."

"Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet."

"I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy."

"Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again."

"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time."

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."