"It's all in the mind, you know."

"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

"I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy."

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."

"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."

"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."

"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."