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"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
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"People talk about the courage of condemned men walking to the place of execution: sometimes it needs as much courage to walk with any kind of bearing towards another person's habitual misery."
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Personal Development
"Though bachelors be the strongest stakes, married men are the best binders, in the hedge of the commonwealth."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The men who followed Him were unique in their generation. They turned the world upside down because their hearts had been turned right side up. The world has never been the same."
Author Name
Personal Development
"A vigorous temper is not altogether an evil. Men who are easy as an old shoe are generally of little worth."
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Personal Development
"The doctrine that all men are, in any sense, or have been, at any time, free and equal, is an utterly baseless fiction."
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Personal Development
"There have been many great men that have flattered the people who ne'er loved them."
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Personal Development
"Poor men's reasons are not heard."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Be noble minded! Our own heart, and not other men's opinions of us, forms our true honor."
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Personal Development
"All men are tempted. There is no man that lives that can't be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the right spot."
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Personal Development
"He had read much, if one considers his long life; but his contemplation was much more than his reading. He was wont to say that if he had read as much as other men he should have known no more than other men."
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"England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'."
England
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
Night
"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."
Family
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
Night
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
First
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
Sex
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
Coffee
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Love
"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."
Computer
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""
Time
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