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"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
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Explore more quotes by Emo Philips
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Exlpore more Men quotes
"Like all weak men he laid an exaggerated stress on not changing one's mind."
"What men are among the other formations of the earth, artists are among men."
"Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties."
"People talk about the courage of condemned men walking to the place of execution: sometimes it needs as much courage to walk with any kind of bearing towards another person's habitual misery."
"Though bachelors be the strongest stakes, married men are the best binders, in the hedge of the commonwealth."
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