"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."

"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."

"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."

"Take my wife... Please!"

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."

"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"

"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."

"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."

"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."

"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."

"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."

"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."

"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."

"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."

"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."