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Henny Youngman

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

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"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

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Amber Hurdle

"I know bugger all about golf."

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Amber Hurdle

"I wore that same shirt yesterday playing golf. There goes the Nike account."

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Amber Hurdle

"I play bad golf for good charities like the LA Police."

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Amber Hurdle

"It was cool for a couple of weeks, but how much bad golf can you play?"

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Amber Hurdle

"A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the universe; a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible."

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Amber Hurdle

"I can't hit a ball more than 200 yards. I have no butt. You need a butt if you're going to hit a golf ball."

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Amber Hurdle

"Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?"

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Amber Hurdle

"I would rather play Hamlet with no rehearsal than TV golf."

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Amber Hurdle

"Golf has become so manicured, so perfect. The greens, the fairways. I don't like golf carts. I like walking. Some clubs won't let you in unless you have a caddy and a cart."

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Amber Hurdle

"I played golf all over Detroit."

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Henny Youngman
"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."
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"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."
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Henny Youngman
"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."
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Henny Youngman
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
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Henny Youngman
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
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Henny Youngman
"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."
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Henny Youngman
"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."
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Henny Youngman
"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
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Henny Youngman
"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
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Henny Youngman
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
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