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"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
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"But we do have a golf course near by and I play fairly regularly."
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Personal Development
"I would rather play Hamlet with no rehearsal than TV golf."
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Personal Development
"Playing golf is like learning a foreign language."
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Personal Development
"Trouble is, I don't get to play a lot at the moment because I've just signed a contract where I've got to do 200 shows a year in pubs, so the golf's fallen away a bit."
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Personal Development
"I can't hit a ball more than 200 yards. I have no butt. You need a butt if you're going to hit a golf ball."
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Personal Development
"It was cool for a couple of weeks, but how much bad golf can you play?"
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Personal Development
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."
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Personal Development
"I know bugger all about golf."
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Personal Development
"I played golf all over Detroit."
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Personal Development
"I play bad golf for good charities like the LA Police."
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"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
Marriage
"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."
Wit
"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."
Man
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
Wife
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Drink
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
Car
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
Money
"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."
Mother
"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"
Man
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
Golf
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