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Mitch Hedberg

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

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"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

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Amber Hurdle

"Life is defined by time and seasons."

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Personal Development

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Amber Hurdle

"If you want to know the value of a minute ask the person who came to the train station or airport a minute late."

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Personal Development

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Amber Hurdle

"Don't equate effective living to being busy."

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Personal Development

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Amber Hurdle

"All things are made beautiful at a timely hour."

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Personal Development

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Amber Hurdle

"Any moment which is not captured is loss in the events of time."

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Personal Development

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Amber Hurdle

"I think Pete did have a hard time as a kid with his appearance. But don't all kids have a hard time? God, I had a hard time, too. I was little with bow legs and rickets. I used to get picked on like everybody used to get picked on."

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Personal Development

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Amber Hurdle

"Sometimes I feel like if you just watch things, just sit still and let the world exist in front of you - sometimes I swear that just for a second time freezes and the world pauses in its tilt. Just for a second. And if you somehow found a way to live in that second, then you would live forever."

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Personal Development

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Amber Hurdle

"Time is a concrete product."

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Personal Development

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Amber Hurdle

"Time must be converted into product."

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Amber Hurdle

"The sacred-time determines the due events."

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Mitch Hedberg
"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

Work

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Mitch Hedberg
"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."

Disillusion

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Mitch Hedberg
"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

Love

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Mitch Hedberg
"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

Funny

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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

Dream

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Mitch Hedberg
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

Work

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Mitch Hedberg
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Sister

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Mitch Hedberg
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

Gambling

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Mitch Hedberg
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

Plants

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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

Life

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