"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

Time,

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"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

Exlpore more Time quotes

"Always keep in mind how you can best use this time that you call life."

Debasish Mridha, American Author

Time, Life, Best Use, Mind

"Time interval is a strange and contradictory matter in the mind. It would be reasonable to suppose that a routine time or an eventless time would seem interminable. It should be so, but it is not. It is the dull eventless times that have no duration whatever. A time splashed with interest, wounded with tragedy, crevassed with joy - that's the time that seems long in the memory. And this is right when you think about it. Eventlessness has no posts to drape duration on. From nothing to nothing is no time at all."

John Steinbeck, American Author

Time, Memory, Experience, Perception

"Opinion is like a pendulum and obeys the same law. If it goes past the centre of gravity on one side, it must go a like distance on the other; and it is only after a certain time that it finds the true point at which it can remain at rest."

Arthur Schopenhauer, German Philosopher

Time, Gravity, Law, Opinion

"I'm proud of being part Cherokee, and I think it's time all us Indians felt the same way."

Loretta Lynn, American Musician

Time, Being

"Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Time, Money

"Time and the hour run through the roughest day."

William Shakespeare, English Dramatist

Time, Day

"Forget your past, live for the present day."

Sunday Adelaja, Nigerian Author

Time, Forget, Present, Live, Focus

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Time, Now, Right

"Time is the longest distance between two places."

Tennessee Williams, American Dramatist

Time,

"By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport."

Julius Boros, American Athlete

Time,

Explore more quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me."

Kids, Parents

"A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

Home, Day

"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."

People,

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

Wife, Kisses

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."

Life, Sex

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

Wife, Birds

"I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it."

Family, Dogs

"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."

Hope, Fight, Man, Reform

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

Birthday, Wife, Man, Respect

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."

Marriage, Sleep