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"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend."
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"Few misfortunes can befall a boy which bring worse consequence than to have a really affectionate mother."

"That was his mother. When she wasn't crying over the breakfast cereal, she was laughing about killing herself."

"Being a mother gives you an incredible feeling of empowerment, you think if I can go through such pain and that level of sleep and still operate and not be grumpy you can do anything. It can be quite scary, you can't function your brain, forget your vocabulary."
Explore more quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

"Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."
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