"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

Wife, Birds

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"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

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"Terry said he had this new kid and his wife didn't want to live in England. He wanted to tour. He hated being in the studio. Terry liked seeing various bars the world over and getting smashed out of his brain. He was a sort of latent Keith Moon."

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"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

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Explore more quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

Wife

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."

Fight

"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend."

Mother

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

Dying

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."

Favorite

"Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about."

Argument

"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home."

Home

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

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"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

Luck

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

Ugly