"With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!"

Sex, Wife, Night, Nothing

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"With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!"

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"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

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"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."

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"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend."

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"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

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"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."

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"Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about."

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"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home."

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"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

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"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

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"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

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