"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."

Wife, Goodness, Kids

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"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."

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"If you would have a good wife, marry one who has been a good daughter."

Thomas Fuller, English Clergyman

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"He knows little, who will tell his wife all he knows."

Thomas Fuller, English Clergyman

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"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."

Will Rogers, American Actor

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"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde, Irish Dramatist

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"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

Emo Philips, American Comedian

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"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife."

Tony Curtis, American Actor

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"We can't thank Dave enough. He could call me if my wife was about to have a baby and tell me he needed tonight for his show and I'd find some way to get her to let me head to New York."

Darius Rucker, American Musician

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"Two more years were to go by before I knew anything about William Blake. Many years later, when his wife died, my godfather gave me the two books as a remembrance."

Laurence Housman, English Playwright

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"The studio rented a house for my wife in Los Angeles under a phony name to keep reporters away. Whenever I wanted to visit her and my children, I would have to sneak in the back door after dark."

Max von Sydow, Swedish Actor

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"You can be very independent, but admit to wanting somebody close to you and that's what me and my wife have. We don't need each other but we want to be with each other and I think it's important to educate the kids with that."

Boris Kodjoe, Austrian Actor

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Explore more quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

"Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about."

Argument

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

Being

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

Luck

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

Wife

"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."

People

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

Wife

"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

Parents

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

Age

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."

Opinion

"I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot."

Mother