"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."

"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?"