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Mitch Hedberg

"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

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"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

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Brennan Manning

"If you want to be happy, be."

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Brennan Manning

"If you want to be loved, be lovable."

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"I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center."

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Brennan Manning

"Far more crucial than what we know or do not know is what we do not want to know."

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Brennan Manning

"I do want to go another way - to write something completely different."

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Brennan Manning

"What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others."

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Brennan Manning

"Don't say "the White House wants." Buildings can't want."

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Brennan Manning

"I don't want any vegetables, thank you. I paid for the cow to eat them for me."

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Brennan Manning

"Tyrants seldom want pretexts."

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Brennan Manning

"If you want to know how I feel, I'll summarize it in one word - terrible."

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Mitch Hedberg
"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
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Mitch Hedberg
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."
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Mitch Hedberg
"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"
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