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"I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way."
Author Name
Personal Development
"At this very moment I'm behind on a compilation that Slave Labor is doing for Free Comic Book Day."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Prayer: the key of the day and the lock of the night."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Let us develop the resources of our land, call forth its powers, build up its institutions, promote all its great interests, and see whether we also, in our day and generation, may not perform something worthy to be remembered."
Author Name
Personal Development
"We're trying to have the band create something beautiful that hopefully one day, 20 years from now, can be picked up by a kid and hopefully have the same effect that Neil Young had on me, or Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath."
Author Name
Personal Development
"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
Author Name
Personal Development
"So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way."
Author Name
Personal Development
"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Today everyone is a star - they're all billed as 'starring' or 'also starring'. In my day, we earned that recognition."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Laughter is day, and sobriety is night; a smile is the twilight that hovers gently between both, more bewitching than either."
Author Name
Personal Development
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"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."
Sister
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
Life
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
Plants
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
Girlfriend
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
Tennis
"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."
Funny
"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
Now
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Order
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
Car
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
Business
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