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Mitch Hedberg

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

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"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

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Akshay Vasu

"Time is always standing still, we are only changing."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"But I suppose film is distinctive because of its nature, of its being able to cut through time with editing."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"The time is always right, just act."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"We recorded that trio and it's out on the Knitting Factory label. I've got another record in the can with that group and Marc, which I'll hopefully finish some time before next summer."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"I call it like the domino theory of reality. If you can go one step at a time and it seems to make sense, you can then take your audience into an area that is relatively outlandish."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"All times are treasureable; the times of prosperity, and times of adversity."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"Time is the most valuable currency so spend it wisely"

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"In the beauty of the mornings we forget about the night; in the beauty of the night we forget about the mornings! When you meet the beauty, you drop anchor in the present time and all other times disappear from your mind!"

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"I think in this movie, every time I see his work, I'm blown away by it because he, to me, he really embodied the character so powerfully and so real, so truthfully to me."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"Because these show are live, script pages are being switched during the program and new commercial teases might be yelled in your ear with just enough time to scribble them on scrap paper before reading them."

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Mitch Hedberg
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Sister

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Mitch Hedberg
"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

People

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Mitch Hedberg
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

Life

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Mitch Hedberg
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

Plants

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Mitch Hedberg
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

Girlfriend

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Mitch Hedberg
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

Tennis

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Mitch Hedberg
"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

Funny

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Mitch Hedberg
"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

Now

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Mitch Hedberg
"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

Cause

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Mitch Hedberg
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Order

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