"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

Jokes,

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"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

Exlpore more Jokes quotes

"Our show was - it remained - you know, kids could watch it and laugh at it. And they wouldn't know - they wouldn't get the jokes. But they would laugh at it. So they tell me now they have grown up and they're watching it. Now they get the jokes. But we didn't say anything blatant."

Rue McClanahan, American Actress

Jokes, Kids, Now

"I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes."

Sandra Bernhard, American Actress

Jokes,

"Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!"

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Jokes, Humor, Truth, Happiness, Power

"I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry."

Sam Kinison, American Comedian

Jokes,

"I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one."

Marilyn Monroe, American Actress

Jokes, Mind, Want

"This is our lance. See, you're making me laugh about this now, because there have been a few jokes on the set about what they actually look like. But, see, I personally think they'd be a great toy. So... just batteries aren't included."

Kevin Sorbo, American Actor

Jokes, Now

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

Jokes,

"I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

Jokes, News, Order

"A civil servant doesn't make jokes."

Eugene Ionesco, French Dramatist

Jokes,

"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

Jokes, Realism

Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

Life

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

Time

"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."

People

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

Saying

"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

Wrong

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

Dream

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

Time

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Exlpore more Jokes quotes

"Our show was - it remained - you know, kids could watch it and laugh at it. And they wouldn't know - they wouldn't get the jokes. But they would laugh at it. So they tell me now they have grown up and they're watching it. Now they get the jokes. But we didn't say anything blatant."

"I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes."

"Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!"

"I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry."

"I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one."

"This is our lance. See, you're making me laugh about this now, because there have been a few jokes on the set about what they actually look like. But, see, I personally think they'd be a great toy. So... just batteries aren't included."

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."

"I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show."

"A civil servant doesn't make jokes."

"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."

Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."