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"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
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"I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry."
"Our show was - it remained - you know, kids could watch it and laugh at it. And they wouldn't know - they wouldn't get the jokes. But they would laugh at it. So they tell me now they have grown up and they're watching it. Now they get the jokes. But we didn't say anything blatant."
"Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues."
"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."
"This is our lance. See, you're making me laugh about this now, because there have been a few jokes on the set about what they actually look like. But, see, I personally think they'd be a great toy. So... just batteries aren't included."
"I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes."
Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."
"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."
"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
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