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Mitch Hedberg

"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."

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"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."

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Amber Hurdle

"They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed."

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Amber Hurdle

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids."

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Amber Hurdle

"The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it."

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Amber Hurdle

"I hope that people will finally come to realize that there is only one 'race' - the human race - and that we are all members of it."

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Amber Hurdle

"I'm not sure whay I've been drawn to this subject, except that murder is a subject that has always drawn people for as long as people have been telling stories."

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Amber Hurdle

"If you ask a hundred people, they all give you different answers."

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Amber Hurdle

"You can be around 100 people and be completely alone. People don't realize what it's really like."

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Amber Hurdle

"In our leisure we reveal what kind of people we are."

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Amber Hurdle

"With most people disbelief in a thing is founded on a blind belief in some other thing."

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Amber Hurdle

"Too late, the ordinary German realized that the violence which before had been directed against 'other' people could now equally land on him."

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Mitch Hedberg
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
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Mitch Hedberg
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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Mitch Hedberg
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
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Mitch Hedberg
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
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Mitch Hedberg
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."
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