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"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
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"If you have tears, prepare to shed them now."
Author Name
Personal Development
"When I was young there was no respect for the young, and now that I am old there is no respect for the old. I missed out coming and going."
Author Name
Personal Development
"It's a heavy weight, the camera. Now we have modern and lightweight, small plastic cameras, but in the '70s they were heavy metal."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Now, we used to say we put on our tights to put on the world. So I don't think it tarnishes the image at all."
Author Name
Personal Development
"So, like I said, I will visit Jeffersonville more often because I now have a little getaway house up there."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Now I get to pick and choose exactly what I want to do."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Now the identification of individual sounds by phonetic observation is an artificial way of proceeding."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm now convinced that I'm a doctor. I mean, if someone says they have a pain, I'm like, 'Well, that's your spleen.'"
Author Name
Personal Development
"The rich pay more in total taxes now than ever before - ever. It's true. Just like it's true that when the rich are convinced they're going to be taxed more, they spend less. And when the top few percenters don't spend, there goes all your spending, because they account for half of all retail spending."
Author Name
Personal Development
"All the classical genres are now ridiculous in their rigorous purity."
Author Name
Personal Development
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"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
Fun
"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
Jokes
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
Tennis
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
Plants
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
Gambling
"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."
Dogs
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
Dream
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."
Fish
"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."
Funny
"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
Being
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