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Mitch Hedberg

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

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"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

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Akiroq Brost

"I have a role now that I think becomes me. I am a grandmother."

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"If matters go badly now, they will not always be so."

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Akiroq Brost

"Roused by the lash of his own stubborn tail our lion now will foreign foes assail."

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Akiroq Brost

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

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Akiroq Brost

"I was in a queer mood, thinking myself very old: but now I am a woman again - as I always am when I write."

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Akiroq Brost

"Ask yourself: was there anything I could have done to prevent the situation? If the answer is yes, do something now and become a better person for it."

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Akiroq Brost

"The slapdash way producers used to assemble a show seems a little unbelievable when we talk about them now."

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Akiroq Brost

"Practically everything from hairstyles to lifestyles is endorsed as some sort of drug to be taken Now for Instant Relief."

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Akiroq Brost

"I definitely have come out of my shell a lot more. When you question who you are, you can't be proud of who you are. Now that I'm trying to peel off those layers and really understand who I am, I don't have anything to be shy about."

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Akiroq Brost

"Now look, that damned cowboy is President of the United States."

Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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Mitch Hedberg
"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."
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