"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

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"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

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"Most everyone now personally knows someone who is openly homosexual."

Tom Ford, American Designer

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"I am now seventy, rather glad, really, that I won't live to see the horrors to come in the 21st century."

Anne Stevenson, American Poet

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"Students now arrive at the university ignorant and cynical about our political heritage, lacking the wherewithal to be either inspired by it or seriously critical of it."

Allan Bloom, American Philosopher

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"One hundred and ten years from now no one who is here now will be alive."

Morrie Schwartz, American Educator

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"There's a part of me that wishes I'd never said one single solitary word on any subject publicly. Then I could have been the tortured poet, and there's so much mileage in that. But it's too late to stop now."

Richard Thompson, British Musician

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"For instance, it's a little better now than it was two or three years ago, but something like 70% of the poems I receive seem to be written in the present indicative."

Peter Davison, British Actor

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"If you have tears, prepare to shed them now."

William Shakespeare, English Dramatist

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"I take responsibility for myself and what I do now."

Paul Gascoigne, English Athlete

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"I was probably just trying to be Dennis Miller, but without the vocabulary to actually be Dennis Miller. I guess I was just less interesting than I am now, if I am interesting at all."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

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"I don't like directors that just say, Stand there and now do this."

Joe Pantoliano, American Actor

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Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Sister

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

Life

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

Plants

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

Girlfriend

"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

Funny

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Order

"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

Car

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

Business

"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

People

"It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?"

People