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Mitch Hedberg

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

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"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

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Amber Hurdle

"They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed."

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Amber Hurdle

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids."

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Amber Hurdle

"The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it."

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Amber Hurdle

"I hope that people will finally come to realize that there is only one 'race' - the human race - and that we are all members of it."

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Amber Hurdle

"I'm not sure whay I've been drawn to this subject, except that murder is a subject that has always drawn people for as long as people have been telling stories."

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Amber Hurdle

"If you ask a hundred people, they all give you different answers."

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Amber Hurdle

"You can be around 100 people and be completely alone. People don't realize what it's really like."

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Amber Hurdle

"In our leisure we reveal what kind of people we are."

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Amber Hurdle

"With most people disbelief in a thing is founded on a blind belief in some other thing."

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Amber Hurdle

"Employers need to recognize that the world has changed and there are people who would like to help them provide solution in ways that are new, modern and that add value to companies."

Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
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Mitch Hedberg
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
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Mitch Hedberg
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
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Mitch Hedberg
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."
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