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Mitch Hedberg

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

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"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

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"We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?"

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"Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility."

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Amber Hurdle

"The investments you make into a brand, makes its name worth it."

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"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."

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"Make your brand memorable or risk fading out!"

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"If a business does well, the stock eventually follows."

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"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
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"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
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"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
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"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."
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Mitch Hedberg
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
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