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Mitch Hedberg

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

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"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

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Akshay Vasu

"But, in fact, there is nothing that can bring you closer to fearlessness about everything else in the world than being a parent - because everyday fears - like not being approved of - pale by comparison to the fears you have about your children."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"The fact that the Prophet cared for every human being and tried his best to ensure their security in the hereafter must be the most telling of his compassionate and merciful characteristics."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"I think being famous is more of a hindrance, a constraint, than just letting yourself be free."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"I like being in the workforce; it keeps me grounded."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"You're better off being a brick layer if you're going to play guitar than a sheet metal worker."

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Personal Development

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Akshay Vasu

"I mean being a writer is like being a psychoanalyst, but you don't get any patients."

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Akshay Vasu

"The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded."

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Akshay Vasu

"Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash."

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Akshay Vasu

"Complacency is a state of mind that exists only in retrospective: it has to be shattered before being ascertained."

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Mitch Hedberg
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

Gambling

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Mitch Hedberg
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Sister

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Mitch Hedberg
"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."

Dogs

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Mitch Hedberg
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

Saying

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Mitch Hedberg
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."

Soccer

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Mitch Hedberg
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

Children

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Mitch Hedberg
"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

Water

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Mitch Hedberg
"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."

People

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Mitch Hedberg
"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

People

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Mitch Hedberg
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

Life

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