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Mitch Hedberg

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

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"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

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Akiroq Brost

"One night stands are not for me. I think it's gross when you just give it up."

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Akiroq Brost

"I'd still prefer to do five nights at a club than one night at Allstate Arena."

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Akiroq Brost

"I'd rather play a few nights at the Fillmore than play one night at an arena."

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Akiroq Brost

"We then went through the audition process and picked a guy named Richard Campbell and he is no secret to L.A. players as he was with Natalie Cole for years and Three Dog Night."

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Akiroq Brost

"I was hanging out with Jonathan Richman last night."

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Akiroq Brost

"Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night - be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels."

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Akiroq Brost

"Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder how I do these things. I can embarrass myself so badly that I literally get a hot prickle down the back of my neck."

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Akiroq Brost

"And TV is not the easiest place to be dangerous or on the edge. Especially on a Saturday night."

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Akiroq Brost

"If it comes back, I think that Friday night is not a good night to be on."

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Akiroq Brost

"Yeah, but on the U.S Tour we threw a new song into the set almost every night. Ofcourse, you can't do too many new songs every night as they've never heard it."

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Mitch Hedberg
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."
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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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Mitch Hedberg
"It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?"
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Mitch Hedberg
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."
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Mitch Hedberg
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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