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Mitch Hedberg

"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

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"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

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Mitch Hedberg
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
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Mitch Hedberg
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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Mitch Hedberg
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."
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