"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

Water,

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"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

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"If you're really on top, you probably didn't do that great, 'cause you have to water it down a bit for it to get that mass appeal."

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Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

Work

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

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"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

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"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

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"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

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"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."

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"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

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"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

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"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"

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"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

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