"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

People, Compliment, Name

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"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

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Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

Night

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

Fish

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

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"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."

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"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

Wrong

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

Time

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

Plants

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

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"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

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"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

Jokes