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"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car,
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
"A muscle is like a car. If you want it to run well early in the morning, you have to warm it up."
"I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems."
"A guy came to the shop every day. A lot of guys put the foam like stuff that forms to you, kinda like the Indy car guys run. He fitted it up and it felt real good, so we're going to try to run it."
"Why do people talk of the horrors of old age? It's great. I feel like a fine old car with the parts gradually wearing out, but I'm not complaining,... Those who find growing old terrible are people who haven't done what they wanted with their lives."
"I was encouraged to hear that GM has made great progress on the hydrogen car."
"I get appalled when I see good drivers being left on the sidelines because they haven't come up with the half million to a million to put themselves in a competitive car."
"Discount air fares, a car in every parking space and the interstate highway system have made every place accessible - and every place alike."
Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."
"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."
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