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"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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"It's not a slam at you when people are rude, it's a slam at the people they've met before."
"We should not judge people by their peak of excellence; but by the distance they have traveled from the point where they started."
"When people are taken out of their depths they lose their heads, no matter how charming a bluff they may put up."
"I believe that in every country the people themselves are more peaceably and liberally inclined than their governments."
"Few people at the beginning of the nineteenth century needed an adman to tell them what they wanted."
Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."
"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."
"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
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