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Mitch Hedberg

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

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"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

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Akshay Vasu

"Among those people lucky enough, if you will, to have actually been brought to trial as a political prisoner, several historians have said there has not been one acquittal since the Bolshevik Revolution."

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Akshay Vasu

"It is often said that the magnitude of a people is measured by their ability to know how to win."

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Akshay Vasu

"Like it or not, the people of Arkansas sent me to Washington to represent them in this great body."

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Akshay Vasu

"I met with people who are already very angry with the tribunal."

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Akshay Vasu

"The people of our state will no longer tolerate advocates of treason."

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Akshay Vasu

"It's got to do with putting yourself in other people's shoes and seeing how far you can come to truly understand them. I like the empathy that comes from acting."

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Akshay Vasu

"We ought to know that all people are not the same and so we must not expect the same attitude from all people. Different people behave differently and that is what makes different people different."

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Akshay Vasu

"If you have carefully examined hundred people you met in your life journey, it means that you have read hundred different books! Every person you know is a book; world is full of walking books; some are boring, some are marvellous, some are weak, some are powerful, but they are all useful because they all carry different experiences of different paths!"

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Akshay Vasu

"I'm very comfortable with failure. I'm very comfortable being the guy who disappoints people."

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Akshay Vasu

"We cannot teach people anything; we can only help them discover it within themselves."

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Mitch Hedberg
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."
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Mitch Hedberg
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
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Mitch Hedberg
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
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Mitch Hedberg
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
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Mitch Hedberg
"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."
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Mitch Hedberg
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
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