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"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."
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Exlpore more Funny quotes
"If I'm in something funny, I like to try and find some kind of serious line in it that people can relate to."
"Hurried and worried until we're buried, and there's no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all."
Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
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