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"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."
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"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'"
"Stealing, you'll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it."
"I remember nearly having a fit of the giggles during the reading because dear Daniel was SO respectful and serious and I was finding the whole situation funny because I was speaking to his profile."
"It's the cushiest job, but some lines are so funny that I crack up."
Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."
"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."
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