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Mitch Hedberg

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

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"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

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Donna Grant

"Cullen is up there killing my children. He's killing everyone."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"Children wish fathers looked but with their eyes; fathers that children with their judgment looked; and either may be wrong."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"It's shameful what's happening in this country in terms of what we deny our children."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"I do very well three things: my job, stupidities and children."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"As we read the school reports on our children, we realize a sense of relief that can rise to delight that thank Heaven nobody is reporting in this fashion on us."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"I grew up in Queens and New Jersey. I started doing children's theater when I was seven to get out of school because I didn't fit in."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"There are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand."

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Mitch Hedberg
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

Work

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Mitch Hedberg
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

Children

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Mitch Hedberg
"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

Love

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Mitch Hedberg
"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."

Dogs

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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

Life

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Mitch Hedberg
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

Fun

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Mitch Hedberg
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"

Friendship

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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."

Word

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Mitch Hedberg
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."

Day

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Mitch Hedberg
"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

Want

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