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Mitch Hedberg

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

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"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

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Akiroq Brost

"It eats you up. It eats you up. And you have to - I had a lot of help. I had a lot of therapy. And I was able to - because it was hard, you know, to - you can't just lay it on friends and children."

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Akiroq Brost

"Is adult entertainment killing our children? or is killing our children entertaining our adults?"

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Akiroq Brost

"My biggest regret is that I didn't teach my two children how to speak Spanish."

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Akiroq Brost

"You help families focus on the future through their children."

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Akiroq Brost

"If you mess up your children, nothing else you do really matters."

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Akiroq Brost

"The amazing thing is that I'm sane. I'm not bitter. I'm not drugged out. I'm not broke. I'm still married to the same guy. My children don't hate me."

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Akiroq Brost

"This is what happens when you are on the wrong side of 40. Young adults, who could be your children, are now working with you. I was playing their parents or mentor. I started to think: Oh, I am not part of that group any more."

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Akiroq Brost

"Over my desk hangs a poster from The Railway Children that my husband had framed for me. It is so lovely to see the children smiling as they run down the railway track."

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Akiroq Brost

"After I won the Oscar, my salary doubled, my friends tripled, my children became more popular at school, my butcher made a pass at me, and my maid hit me up for a raise."

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Akiroq Brost

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up."

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Mitch Hedberg
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
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"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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Mitch Hedberg
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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Mitch Hedberg
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."
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