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Mitch Hedberg

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

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"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

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Assegid Habtewold

"Physical action [paudgalik kriya] will give only worldly fruits; it will not go in vain. If you plant sugar cane, you will eat sweet food and if you plant bitter gourd, you will eat bitter food. Plant whichever taste appeals to you and if you want liberation [Moksha], then don't plant anything. Stop sowing seeds altogether."

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Assegid Habtewold

"I don't think any one person is the cause of all of someone else's problems."

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Assegid Habtewold

"A cause that only serves me is much like a door on the edge of a cliff, it doesn't open to anywhere good."

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Personal Development

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Assegid Habtewold

"So inscrutable is the arrangement of causes and consequences in this world, that a two-penny duty on tea, unjustly imposed in a sequestered part of it, changes the condition of all its inhabitants."

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Assegid Habtewold

"This world is not without causes. There is Moksha [ultimate liberation] when one's causes stops. There is Moksha where everyone's 'claim' is completed. Without a cause, effect does not happen."

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Assegid Habtewold

"Don't speak of action [effect]. Don't serve the action [effect]. It is a result. But serve the causes [do the causes]. Nothing will be achieved unless you serve the cause."

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Assegid Habtewold

"At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid."

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Assegid Habtewold

"Before the effect one believes in different causes than one does after the effect."

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Personal Development

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Assegid Habtewold

"I would like to break out of this dark, brooding image, cause I'm actually not like that at all."

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Assegid Habtewold

"Instead of causing us to remember the past like the old monuments, the new monuments seem to cause us to forget the future."

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Mitch Hedberg
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Sister

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Mitch Hedberg
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

Life

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Mitch Hedberg
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

Plants

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Mitch Hedberg
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

Girlfriend

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Mitch Hedberg
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

Tennis

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Mitch Hedberg
"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

Funny

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Mitch Hedberg
"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

Now

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Mitch Hedberg
"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

Cause

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Mitch Hedberg
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Order

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Mitch Hedberg
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"

Friendship

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