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Mitch Hedberg

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

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Akiroq Brost

"We made a demand for the the same wage rates to be paid in the Canadian plants as in the U.S. plants."

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Akiroq Brost

"I know my corn plants intimately, and I find it a great pleasure to know them."

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Akiroq Brost

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

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"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
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"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."
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"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
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"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
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Mitch Hedberg
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
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"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
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