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Mitch Hedberg

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

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Asa Don Brown

"We made a demand for the the same wage rates to be paid in the Canadian plants as in the U.S. plants."

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Asa Don Brown

"I know my corn plants intimately, and I find it a great pleasure to know them."

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Asa Don Brown

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

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Mitch Hedberg
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."
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Mitch Hedberg
"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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Mitch Hedberg
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
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Mitch Hedberg
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
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Mitch Hedberg
"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
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